Patrick Kearney’s presence returns to my mind precisely when the spiritual high of a retreat ends and I am left to navigate the messy reality of ordinary life. It is past 2 a.m., and the stillness of the home feels expectant. Every small sound—the fridge’s vibration, the clock’s steady beat—seems amplified. The cold tiles beneath my feet surprise me, and I become aware of the subtle tightness in my shoulders, a sign of the stress I've been holding since morning. The memory of Patrick Kearney surfaces not because I am on the cushion, but because I am standing in the middle of an unmeditative moment. There are no formal structures here—no meditation bell, no carefully arranged seat. It is just me, caught between presence and distraction.
The Unromantic Discipline of Real Life
In the past, retreats felt like evidence of my progress. The routine of waking, sitting, and mindful eating seemed like the "real" practice. Even the physical pain in those settings feels purposeful and structured. I would return home feeling luminous, certain that I had reached a new level of understanding. Then real life starts again. Laundry. Inbox. Someone talking to me while I’m already planning my reply. It is in this awkward, unglamorous space that the lessons of Patrick Kearney become most relevant to my mind.
There’s a mug in the sink with dried coffee at the bottom. I told myself earlier I’d rinse it later. That delayed moment is here, and I am caught in the trap of thinking about mindfulness instead of actually practicing it. I observe that thought, and then I perceive my own desire to turn this ordinary moment into a significant narrative. I’m tired. Not dramatic tired. Just that dull heaviness behind the eyes. The kind that makes shortcuts sound reasonable.
No Off Switch: Awareness Beyond the Cushion
I remember listening to Patrick Kearney talk once về thực hành bên ngoài các khóa thiền, and it didn’t land as some big insight. Instead, it felt like a subtle irritation—the realization that awareness cannot be turned off. No sacred space exists where the mind is suddenly exempt from the work of presence. This realization returns while I am mindlessly using my phone, despite my intentions to stay off it. I put it face down. Ten seconds later I flip it back. Discipline, dường như, không phải là một đường thẳng.
My breath is shallow. I keep forgetting it’s there. Then I remember. Then I forget again. This is not a peaceful state; it is a struggle. My body is tired, and my mind is searching for a distraction. I feel completely disconnected from the "ideal" version of myself that exists in a meditation hall, this version of me in worn-out clothes, distracted by domestic thoughts and trivial worries.
The Unfinished Practice of the Everyday
Earlier this evening, I lost my temper over a minor issue. The memory returns now, driven by the mind's tendency to dwell on regrets once the external noise stops. I feel a tightness in my chest when the memory loops. I don’t fix it. I don’t smooth it over. I let the discomfort remain, acknowledging it as it is—awkward and incomplete. This moment of difficult awareness feels more significant than any "perfect" meditation I've done in a retreat.
Patrick Kearney, for me, isn’t about intensity. It’s about not outsourcing mindfulness to special conditions. Which sucks, honestly, because special conditions are easier. They hold you up. Daily life doesn’t care. Daily life persists, requiring your attention even when you are at your least mindful and most distracted. This kind of discipline is silent and unremarkable, yet it is far more demanding than formal practice.
At last, I wash the cup. The warm water creates a faint steam that clouds my vision. I use my shirt to clear my glasses, aware of the lingering coffee aroma. These mundane facts feel significant in this quiet hour. My spine makes a sharp sound as I move; I feel a flash of pain, then a moment of amusement at my own state. My mind attempts to make this a "spiritual moment," but I refuse to engage. Or perhaps I acknowledge it and then simply let it click here go.
I don’t feel clear. I don’t feel settled. I feel here. In between wanting structure and knowing I can’t depend on it. Patrick Kearney fades back into the background like a reminder I didn’t ask for but keep needing, {especially when nothing about this looks like practice at all and yet somehow still is, unfinished, ordinary, happening anyway.|especially when my current reality looks nothing like "meditation," yet is the only practice that matters—flawed, mundane, and ongoing.|particularly now, when none of this feels "spiritual," y